One of my favorite thinkers and writers, the late Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, had this to say about relationships:
When someone says something unkind to us, for example, if we do not understand why he has said it, and we become irritated, a ‘knot’ will be tied in us… If we practice mindfulness, we can learn the skill of recognizing a knot the moment it is tied in us, and find ways to untie it. These knots need our full attention as soon as they form, while they are still loosely tied, so that the work of untying them will be easy (Thich Nhat Hanh, 2011, Your True Home).
I love this idea. People say unkind things to each other all the time. It’s part of our human nature. We all put ourselves in situations where we aren’t thinking clearly, or maybe we are tired or drunk, and either we say something unkind or receive an unkindness. Our usual impulse is to ignore it, to move on without addressing the pain.
Who hasn’t heard a story of a 99-year-old grandmother who held a grudge against her sister until her dying day? As human beings, we are blessed and cursed with memories. We get to remember all kinds of beautiful things: how our dad smelled coming home from work, the texture of our mother’s hair, and a favorite stuffed animal from childhood. But it also means we can stay angry forever, sapping our life force and ruining our relationships.
We all know the feeling of a knot. You feel it in your stomach and your face. That hot, prickly feeling of anger may cause us to lash out or cry. Lashing out isn’t a way to untie the knot; that pulls it tighter. But leaving it alone also has a similar effect, hardening the knots inside us over time.
How many of you have left a pair of earbuds in your pocket? The tangled cord knots itself tighter and tighter the longer it’s in there, the longer it’s ignored and left to negligence. The knots inside of us, our grudges, work the same way. Left alone, they fester and tighten, making untying them much more difficult.
So what are we to do? How do we untie our knots?
The first step is mindfulness, says Thich Nhat Hanh. Paying attention to the present moment, tuning in, and listening to what others say and how it affects us will let us know when we get knotted. Without mindfulness, we can operate on a delay. How many of you have had the experience of several hours passing by, ruminating about something your partner said to you, and then the anger sets in? If we are living with mindfulness, we can shorten this delay so that we are responding to what we are feeling in the moment. The sooner we address knots, the easier they are to untie.
In those moments, I recommend practicing a mix of metacommunication and loving speech. Metacommunication is communicating about communicating. Communicating about how we communicate can clue your partner in on how you want to be spoken to, and how their words affect you. Something like, “When you said this to me, this is how I felt.” Or when you say this to me, in that way, this is how I feel.” Make sure to do this once the anger in you has cooled.
Loving speech is all about tone and intention. When we want to untie a knot, we must come from a place of peacefulness. We cannot undo a knot by punishing someone. The important thing is to increase understanding, as understanding can instantly dissolve anger.
If your knots have been tied for some time, do not fret, you can still untie them. In these cases, when the grudge has hardened over time, it may be helpful to write about it. Try writing either a letter (which you can send or keep for yourself) or a script that you can follow for a conversation with your beloved other. The same principles of metacommunication and loving speech apply, but remember, knots that are tied really tight might take several attempts at loosening before they dissolve.
The techniques above all require a living, willing partner, but what about when the other person is unwilling or has passed away?
In this case, the work is inside of you (in other situations, most of the work is inside of you too). You can work on this by generating loving feelings towards the other person intentionally. The Stutz Active Love tool is an excellent way to go about this. So is Loving Kindness Meditation. Anytime you are in conflict with someone, living or dead, you can free yourself with love. The other person doesn't need to know that you are doing this, but the very act of loving them can untie your knots and set you free.
If you need help untying knots, therapy can help. Whether you want to learn about mindfulness, metacommunication, love, and relationships, working with a qualified therapist can speed up your journey toward becoming less knotty and more peaceful.
